Let's face it, the woman who raised you isn't always the person you want to be exactly like. You may love that woman to death but sometimes, or in some cases - most of the time, you two are arguing over every little detail. My mother and I have a relationship is often a hit or miss. One minute we're talking about our lives and sharing stories... and the next minute we're arguing over the correct pronunciation of someone's name. I am the first to admit that I love my mother, we're both equally insane and we do have some things in common but when you gravitate towards one parent more than the other, it can be difficult to establish a healthy relationship with that other parent. My mother and I just don't share the same sense of humor, the same likes, or really the same most things! Just because you've grown up with someone does not mean that you are into the same things. You are still two different individuals and you may not always click. But guess what? She's your mother. You're not going to be able to take her into Walmart and exchange her -- nor do you want to, well maybe sometimes. You have to make the best of the relationship that you do have.
Here are a few of my tips for dealing with... making your mother's life easier:
Stop trying to be right!
You both aren't going to agree. You're not going to get her to see the other side -- even if it happens to be a fact, like the spelling of a name, if the proof isn't right in front of you. It's easier to say "We're not going to agree on this. Let's just drop it." than it is to continuously argue over the same thing on your way to Nordstrom. If your mother keeps pushing, as hard as it is, don't reply. Start changing the subject. Talk about something she likes to talk about, even if it's about that snobby cashier at Kmart. It takes the pressure off of you and you can both agree that teenagers pretty much suck.
"It's not what you said, it's the way you said it!"
I am a very expressive person, I don't mean to raise my voice or give you an 'attitude' but it seems to happen. My mother tends to get very offended by this, just as I get offended with her sighs of annoyance. Take a moment before you answer her, answer with caution.
Don't take it personally!
My mother and I are both guilty of making jokes but not being able to take them. I am usually a very, very thick skinned person -- but I realized that my mother is more sensitive than my father is. I cannot say the same things to her... and usually, when she's making a joke, because we don't share the same sense of humor, I take it offensively. You just have to let it go! Smile, bite your tongue, laugh it off and move the freak on!
Remember that we're all hypocritical at one point.
I know that when I did something, and my mother commented on it, I threw whatever similar thing she'd done back at her. I learned through making my own mistakes and being put in a similar situation, she wasn't actually judging me. The reality is, she's probably only upset with you because she now understands the repercussions and the effect that this decision will have on your life... This brings me to my next point.
Stop making assumptions.
Stop assuming that every sigh, or comment that she makes is meant for YOU. Sometimes we generalize a statement, this doesn't necessarily mean she's talking about you directly. Sometimes she sighs because, well, that's how she chooses to breathe! Before you assume that she is making a comment about something you've said or done, think about it.
Listen to her advice, even if you don't really want it.
Mothers are good for giving us unsolicited and unwanted advice. Even though you KNOW that you're probably not going to listen -- after all, we must make our own mistakes and learn from them ourselves -- take it anyway. Whatever you're dealing with, your mother has probably already dealt with it, or at least gone through a similar thing. Besides, she's going to give you that advice anyway! Why not actually listen? Which again reminds me of another huge, and similar tip.
Take everything into consideration.
Most mothers are critical of their children, especially their daughters. Keep in mind that she is most likely not doing this to make you upset or angry -- just as you have your way of doing things, she has hers. She's your mom. She knows how you grew up and would probably prefer you to do things her way. Take it into consideration... Is it the most efficient way? Is it the safest way? Does it make more sense? Tell her thanks for the tip and offer her a drink!
Establish clear boundaries and stick to them.
Just like you don't want Mom walking in your house at random times uninvited, she's probably at a place in her life now where she doesn't want you to do the same. Create boundaries. You need to establish a healthy set of boundaries to keep your sanity... This means have a plan before you barge into each other's house, that could mean something as simple as calling first. Know what you want to tell her -- if you and your mother have a relationship where you can tell her everything about your life, that is absolutely wonderful. If you don't, know your limits.
Let go of the past.
This may be the hardest of all. Like I said, my mother and I have not had the best relationship and there are things that she did in the past that caused some major turmoil, and there are things that I did as a result of that, that did NOT help our relationship at all! The blame lies on both of us. No one is perfect. If you have kids, or plan to have kids, you will soon learn that you, too will make mistakes. You will not be right 100% of the time. You have to cut your mother a break or you're simply not going to have a relationship with her. You must forgive her for her wrong doings. It's SO difficult, but worth it in the end. Everyone wants to be able to say that they had a great relationship with their mother. If you two can get to a place where you can do that, you're absolutely on the right track!
Look at things from another perspective: She probably didn't mean to do it.
Coincidentally, while I was pondering writing this post, a fabulous fellow blogger, Jenn C. of My Daily Jenn-ism, wrote a "must read" post about gossip that made me mention my mother in the comments. This made me think of another tip. Once, my mother accidentally gave some information to someone she wasn't supposed to. She had no idea and assumed that these women were my friends. I was very close to not talking to her but then I realized that from her point of view, it looked like these people were genuinely concerned. You have to be able to look at the situation from her perspective. If you didn't know the information that you know, what would you assume?
She needs to know her place in your life. She is important, tell her.
Even though you and your mother may clash, and you may want to lose your mind, there is some love there. People who have the worst relationships with their mother's usually still have feelings for them -- sometimes that can be love, hate, anger, sadness, etc. You only have feelings for someone if you once loved them. She needs to know that you love her, she needs to know that she's important and needed. You need to know that too. Sometimes, moms tend to look for things that are wrong so that they'll be asked to assist when you decide to "fix" these "problems" or "issues". They only want to feel needed... and sometimes you do really need to learn how to properly do your laundry.
This, of course, is not a professional list of "tips", but just a few things that have helped me and my mother. Our relationship is far from the ideal mother-daughter relationship (by ideal I mean the relationship I've created in my own head) but by doing some of these things, we've been able to avoid a lot of unnecessary bickering. This is a process, you cannot become best friends overnight and every situation is different. My mother and I have gone through extensive therapy that also has helped tremendously so I encourage you to work through some other issues first before assuming that any blog post, list of tips, personal opinions, etc. will be an automatic fix.
Good luck,
Stop trying to be right!
You both aren't going to agree. You're not going to get her to see the other side -- even if it happens to be a fact, like the spelling of a name, if the proof isn't right in front of you. It's easier to say "We're not going to agree on this. Let's just drop it." than it is to continuously argue over the same thing on your way to Nordstrom. If your mother keeps pushing, as hard as it is, don't reply. Start changing the subject. Talk about something she likes to talk about, even if it's about that snobby cashier at Kmart. It takes the pressure off of you and you can both agree that teenagers pretty much suck.
"It's not what you said, it's the way you said it!"
I am a very expressive person, I don't mean to raise my voice or give you an 'attitude' but it seems to happen. My mother tends to get very offended by this, just as I get offended with her sighs of annoyance. Take a moment before you answer her, answer with caution.
Don't take it personally!
My mother and I are both guilty of making jokes but not being able to take them. I am usually a very, very thick skinned person -- but I realized that my mother is more sensitive than my father is. I cannot say the same things to her... and usually, when she's making a joke, because we don't share the same sense of humor, I take it offensively. You just have to let it go! Smile, bite your tongue, laugh it off and move the freak on!
Remember that we're all hypocritical at one point.
I know that when I did something, and my mother commented on it, I threw whatever similar thing she'd done back at her. I learned through making my own mistakes and being put in a similar situation, she wasn't actually judging me. The reality is, she's probably only upset with you because she now understands the repercussions and the effect that this decision will have on your life... This brings me to my next point.
Stop making assumptions.
Stop assuming that every sigh, or comment that she makes is meant for YOU. Sometimes we generalize a statement, this doesn't necessarily mean she's talking about you directly. Sometimes she sighs because, well, that's how she chooses to breathe! Before you assume that she is making a comment about something you've said or done, think about it.
Listen to her advice, even if you don't really want it.
Mothers are good for giving us unsolicited and unwanted advice. Even though you KNOW that you're probably not going to listen -- after all, we must make our own mistakes and learn from them ourselves -- take it anyway. Whatever you're dealing with, your mother has probably already dealt with it, or at least gone through a similar thing. Besides, she's going to give you that advice anyway! Why not actually listen? Which again reminds me of another huge, and similar tip.
Take everything into consideration.
Most mothers are critical of their children, especially their daughters. Keep in mind that she is most likely not doing this to make you upset or angry -- just as you have your way of doing things, she has hers. She's your mom. She knows how you grew up and would probably prefer you to do things her way. Take it into consideration... Is it the most efficient way? Is it the safest way? Does it make more sense? Tell her thanks for the tip and offer her a drink!
Establish clear boundaries and stick to them.
Just like you don't want Mom walking in your house at random times uninvited, she's probably at a place in her life now where she doesn't want you to do the same. Create boundaries. You need to establish a healthy set of boundaries to keep your sanity... This means have a plan before you barge into each other's house, that could mean something as simple as calling first. Know what you want to tell her -- if you and your mother have a relationship where you can tell her everything about your life, that is absolutely wonderful. If you don't, know your limits.
Let go of the past.
This may be the hardest of all. Like I said, my mother and I have not had the best relationship and there are things that she did in the past that caused some major turmoil, and there are things that I did as a result of that, that did NOT help our relationship at all! The blame lies on both of us. No one is perfect. If you have kids, or plan to have kids, you will soon learn that you, too will make mistakes. You will not be right 100% of the time. You have to cut your mother a break or you're simply not going to have a relationship with her. You must forgive her for her wrong doings. It's SO difficult, but worth it in the end. Everyone wants to be able to say that they had a great relationship with their mother. If you two can get to a place where you can do that, you're absolutely on the right track!
Look at things from another perspective: She probably didn't mean to do it.
Coincidentally, while I was pondering writing this post, a fabulous fellow blogger, Jenn C. of My Daily Jenn-ism, wrote a "must read" post about gossip that made me mention my mother in the comments. This made me think of another tip. Once, my mother accidentally gave some information to someone she wasn't supposed to. She had no idea and assumed that these women were my friends. I was very close to not talking to her but then I realized that from her point of view, it looked like these people were genuinely concerned. You have to be able to look at the situation from her perspective. If you didn't know the information that you know, what would you assume?
She needs to know her place in your life. She is important, tell her.
Even though you and your mother may clash, and you may want to lose your mind, there is some love there. People who have the worst relationships with their mother's usually still have feelings for them -- sometimes that can be love, hate, anger, sadness, etc. You only have feelings for someone if you once loved them. She needs to know that you love her, she needs to know that she's important and needed. You need to know that too. Sometimes, moms tend to look for things that are wrong so that they'll be asked to assist when you decide to "fix" these "problems" or "issues". They only want to feel needed... and sometimes you do really need to learn how to properly do your laundry.
This, of course, is not a professional list of "tips", but just a few things that have helped me and my mother. Our relationship is far from the ideal mother-daughter relationship (by ideal I mean the relationship I've created in my own head) but by doing some of these things, we've been able to avoid a lot of unnecessary bickering. This is a process, you cannot become best friends overnight and every situation is different. My mother and I have gone through extensive therapy that also has helped tremendously so I encourage you to work through some other issues first before assuming that any blog post, list of tips, personal opinions, etc. will be an automatic fix.
Good luck,
PS: I stole the above photo from the internet one day, forgot the source and then pretended that it was mine to write all over. If you own this image, sorry. The contact button is on the main page and blah, blah, blah. I'll do whatever you want, just don't sue me.
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